Intrepid Explorer Nick

I haven't written here in a while. Spring break has consumed most of my last two weeks, as I traveled to Guiyang, the town of my roommate Joker. I went with Brett and Brenden, and have some amazing stories to tell about the trip, though perhaps nothing better than Brett's constant attempt to be left behind at train stations, or his ignorantly ordering 5 whores instead of dumplings from a vendor, and getting yelled at angrily in return.

We traveled by sleeper train on Wednesday, about about 12 days ago. Brett lost his ticket beforehand, and in our desperation we scoured his entire room for an hour or more. When it looked like we'd be leaving him behind, I called Joker, who had returned home by plane some days earlier. He told me we should try to get him onto the train, and then re-buy the ticket of his seat, which should be empty. We managed all this with some success, but when a girl arrived to claim his place in our 4-bed room, we weren't sure what to do. His ticket must have been stolen and re-sold to this girl. But Brett was lucky enough to buy a ticket on the other end of the train to sleep in at night. It was a 30-hour train ride, and there was a college student studying English from Suzhou, near Shanghai, that we learned a lot from, and taught much to. We watched South Park, and played President most of the time.

Joker picked us up from the train station in Guiyang at about 1am. His family was celebrating the new year with his father's parents in the suburbs somewhere (it took an hour an a half of driving, wedged between Brett and Brenden and my new AWESOME duffle bag, but I guess the suburbs extend quite far in China...). We were dropped off at a hotel right near Joker's grandparents' place, and spent a night in the miserable cold with poor facilities and a bathroom that stank of rotting bodies.

But the future was bright! The next morning we went exploring the area with Joker and one of his little "brothers" and little "sisters," which were just part of the extended family. We took lots of pictures, and explored a quite temple area, where some old founder of Chinese gongfu practiced, and apparently ascended to heaven Mohammad-style. I think I mentioned how me and Brett both practiced Kenpo. It was funny to see the resemblance in styles, from pictures of the local school. And frankly made me a little nostalgic for those days of my childhood when I could kick above my head without pulling both my hamstrings and groin at once.

There are no white people in Guiyang. I wonder how many people know what its like to stand out so completely in the world. Well, I guess its still nothing compared to Abdul, the black guy in our program, who apparently made a girl cry in Kunming when he waved to her there over break. Still, in Shanghai there are white people. In Guiyang no such thing. And oh--the girls! This area of China has ONLY pretty ones. Some days later, after the new year, we would go to a club, and I swear you could toss a rock into the crowd and if you didn't hit a man it would be a pretty girl unconscious on the floor. And the waiguoren foreigner appeal? Instant conversation opener. Not to mention all the dirty phrases I've picked up. The Chinese like their tofu.

We spent two days celebrating the new year at the grandparents house. Joker's mom taught me how to make kong pao chicken, and his dad and uncle taught me Chinese chess, caligraphy, and painting. We ate the best food I've eaten in China (which, in hindsight, is making me sick of Shanghai food) at a family gathering, getting toasted over and over again, and against our will downing shot after shot of baijiu, the Chinese hard preferred liquor. All we could hope was not to offend the Chinese people and get thrown out on our asses, so we got drunk instead. This wasnt just dinner either. Daily we ate two dinners in grand fashion, plus lunch. By noon every day I wouldn't be able to think straight.

And oh the fireworks! The night after our arrival was the new year! The year of the asian tiger opened with fireworks all over this apparently quiet, poor suburb. If this is what happens out here, I remember thinking, how do Beijing and Shanghai survive their own people on a yearly basis? Although the symphony in the sky mostly covered about half an hour straddling midnight, people shot off rolls of exploding crackers before every meal the next day, and fireworks around the city continued for well a week.

The third day of our arrival we packed into a car with Joker and his dad and headed back to Guiyang, where Joker's parents' house was. There were only two beds, so me, Brett, and Brenden played rocks paper scissors for the single bed. Of course Brenden beat us both, so while he lay in luxury for 4 or 5 days, me and Brett fought for comfort in a bed with short blankets, with a pillow wedged between us to preserve our hetero pride. On the bright side, my netbook, which I bought in Hong Kong, was picking up the wireless network around Joker's fine house all the time, so I was able to do my news searching and keep in contact with people back home.

It would take too long to recount all the glorious escapades of our time in Guiyang proper. Suffice to say, we partied quite a bit, and drank more baijiu under the gaze of Joker's family. We visited and old town full of cool market do-gadgets where I bought a wicked slingshot for 10 kuai, perhaps my single greatest purchase ever, and some other cool souvenirs and gifts for the friends and family I may never EVER see again! We went to the zoo and saw baby bears with boxing gloves and boxing shorts duke it out in entertaining fashion (under the watch of several referees). At the zoo you could pay 40 kuai to throw a live chicken into the siberian tiger pit. It was appalling but also fascinating to watch as a bird was unexpectedly thrown out, to see it land, the largest tiger rise from its resting place and come running, the chicken attempt to get off the ground and then...POW! Two huge paws smashing the chicken to the ground, then a mouth grabbing the chicken's neck from behind. As I walked past the tiger pit, the next chicken, small and looking very nervous, was isolated in the middle of the spectator area.

We also climbed a mountain and saw some of the most ugly-assed and feral monkeys in the world. A sign read "please don't beat the monkeys."

To make a long story short, we managed to find a train ride back home through Joker's "connections," though it appeared quite difficult at first as train rides back to Shanghai were booked through the following week, during which we would be missing classes. We considered plane tickets, but the price was incredible--1700 kuai, or about 250 dollars, one way back to Shanghai. When Joker pulled through with cheap tickets for us all on Saturday morning, enough time to get back to Shanghai on Sunday, we were all grateful. Of course, we partied that night, I drank way more than I should have, and we nearly lost Brett in Guiyang when we were departing the next morning, but all turned out alright in the end as drunken and lost Brett got a taxi to the train station and met us there.

Well, its Tuesday now, and I've been thrown back into the swing of classes and work. I'm late for a meeting now (at 10pm) and barely had time to write all this, but that's the news from this end. Hope all is well with my readers.

-Intrepid Explorer Nick